still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
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For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”