I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
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“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.