A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!