*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
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Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I’m giving up ice.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today