Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
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I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Xylophonist Shredding It
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Welcome
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish