What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
You Might Also Like
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.