Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
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I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant