My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.