What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
You Might Also Like
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.