Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
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Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.