(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
This is my favorite one of these!
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*