Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
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The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
incredible