It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
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CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.