[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
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I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.