People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
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women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.