A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
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[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
thanks auntie mary
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.