The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
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date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Every damn time
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Siri, fight Alexa.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.