[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
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Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
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