Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
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teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
😂🤣😂🤣
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet