“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
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MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
We’ve all been there…
yes… yes…
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.