“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
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I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
had to share :’)
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation