if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
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There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!