I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.