How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
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Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Phones down.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening