“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.