10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
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Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick