What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
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Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
The big book of baby names but for safe words
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps