When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
“OMGJK” -atheists
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
This has made my week.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.