HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame