I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
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The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Order here:
More here:
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
whatcha thinkin bout
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!