Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
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Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.