next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
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TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Story of my life…..
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.