#oldknees
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gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there