Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
only 11 steps left
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme