not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
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[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.