Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show