MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
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Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Just how popey was the pope today?
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Thursday
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die