Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
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just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
When news reporters do sports stories
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.