[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
From my Mom
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?