I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
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If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Batman v Dracula
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?