*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
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I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.