Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
You Might Also Like
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?