standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
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Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
the saddest jazz hands ever
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”