He wanted to make sure😂
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TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
selfie game
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
normalize having existential bread
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child