It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
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Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores