Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
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I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.