“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
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*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I occasionally drink every single night.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.