I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
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I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
The honesty is refreshing
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do