I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
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Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating