No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
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BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Time for evil
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.